Flash In The Brain Pan: Mega-Mash
So your grandmother went to the mall and bought you a cheap knockoff cartridge. You wanted to throw it out, but your mom said no. And now you’re playing Mega-Mash, a combination of seven different games that look familiar but actually aren’t. Whatever. It kills some time.
The first game is a Mario-clone about this rabbit, and maybe it’s not so bad. You pick up carrots and jump around on bad guys, and as you go through the level you… you… whoa, what’s happening here?
Okay, the REAL plot of Mega-Mash is that you’ve got a broken cartridge and you’re playing all the games at once. That bunny can leap into a game of Tetris and become a ninja warrior, or maybe stumble into Bomberman as part of a jumping puzzle, like so:
The ideas aren’t hard, but the execution can be ridiculous. Remember, playing multiple games at once can mean your goals conflict with each other. But the more you play, the more you’ll get it, and even the terrible ninja level won’t stop you for long.
As true gamers know, there’s no feeling like the feeling of winning over a freakishly difficult level. Prove your dominance over Mega-Mash during this holiday weekend! Then hit our comments to gloat! Highest score by Monday morning will be given a free quality post.
Sean University: Don’t shed a cafeteria for me!
You know what kills your employees’ productivity? When they leave for lunch. Especially if it’s a lunch of cough syrup. But don’t worry; there are ways you can keep your employees from leaving. The easiest is locking the doors from the outside; unfortunately, it’s also illegal (or so I’m told). So instead, we here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership would suggest having a cafeteria at your workplace.
What is a cafeteria? Well, that’s easy to figure out if you break the word down: Café is a place where French people eat breakfast and lunch; and Teria is just a bunch of extra letters to make it sound more work-y and less French. So essentially a cafeteria is a place where your employees can get breakfast or lunch without leaving the workplace.
But why just breakfast and lunch? Why not a few more meals? Think about: everyone loves food. In fact, that’s how I get people to enroll at Sean U when I go to college fairs. I say, “Hey, you look like the kind of person who a) needs to pursue a career in business and b) loves food.” Immediately, I have them where I want them because they’re like, “He was right about the food part; maybe he’s right about that other part too!”
What I’m getting at here is this: if you want your employees to be more productive, you’ll offer more than two basic meals in your cafeteria. Like what? How about one or two of these:
Mid-Morning Tacos: Here’s something interesting: people only use 10% of their brain. So what’s the rest of the brain busy doing? It’s thinking, “Oh man, tacos would be so killer right now!” Well then, why not serve some up to free your employees’ minds from the grips of taco-want?
Secret Sushi: There is sushi somewhere in the cafeteria, but where? Employees will have to complete a series of wacky [work-related] tasks to find out!
Piñata Fridays: Fill a piñata half with candy, and half with paperwork. Raise it in the cafeteria. First person to break it open gets dibs on whatever pieces of candy he wants and whatever paperwork he wants to take home for the weekend!
Monthly Cheese Hunt: Your employees getting irritable? Let them take out their aggression with some cheese hunting! Here’s how it works: you scatter a bunch of tiny cheese cubes around the cafeteria, arm employees with cocktail swords, and let them go nuts! The person who spears the most cheese-cubes gets to buy the cheese for next month’s hunt!
Chicken Wing Surprise: Is Chicken Wing Surprise real? Or is it a myth created by management keep people excited about coming into work? Nobody is sure. In fact, all that is known about Chicken Wing Surprise is that it will only happen when everyone least expects it!
Those are all the meals I would suggest. What extra treats will you offer to your employees? Post your suggestions in the comments below!
Maybe They Misunderstood The Question: Woot Weads The Wire
Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
SUNDERLAND, England (UPI) — Experts in northeastern England are trying to determine whether adders in the region are becoming overly inbred as their numbers decline.
Mathematicians say the problem lies in the order of operations, which requires the snakes to multiply before they know they are adders.
TORONTO (UPI) — By varying degrees, some 65 percent of Canadians agree that brothels should be legalized, a poll published Tuesday in Toronto suggested.
Sources say these findings prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that a majority of Canadians believe hungry people should have easy access to broth.
CHICAGO (UPI) — Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s office marked April Fool’s Day by claiming the official was using the Freedom of Information Act to “learn more about himself.”
Later in the afternoon, Emanuel kicked in his own door and intimidated himself into backing down and dropping the request before anyone close to himself wound up dead.
LAS VEGAS (UPI) — A spokeswoman for the Luxor Las Vegas said officials do not know the origin of a group of orbs filmed floating over the hotel and casino.
Producers would neither confirm nor deny that the orbs were related to a new, Michael Bay-directed reboot of The Hangover.
![Nellis holds 2011 Aviation Nation [Image 5 of 61]](http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6240/6351498544_ce7a274f55.jpg)
PORTLAND, Maine (UPI) — Boston-based athletic shoe-maker New Balance made President Barack with a pair of custom running shoes to show support for U.S. manufacturing growth.
And in a related story, corporate outsourcing has finally reached headline writers.
Image Adder by Danny Chapman and Nellis holds 2011 Aviation Nation by DVIDSHUB are used under a Creative Commons license
Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Clogs, Coffee, and Emotion
1. Wearing Clogs vs. Drinking Tea in terms of Marketing your New Album
A certain kind of person wears clogs, the kind of person who allows the heel freedom of movement while imprisoning the toes. Tea, meanwhile, can be consumed by nearly anyone: It can wake you up in the morning. It can help you relax in the evening. It is a essentially an all purpose hot beverage of uncontroversial flavor. So, when you’re marketing your new LP, you have to ask yourself: do you want to be seen as someone who discriminates based on shape and appearance (clogs) or do you want to be the kind of person who offers a little something for everyone (tea)?
Advantage:
2. A Basket vs. Nostalgia in terms of Grinding Coffee Beans Just Right
You can crush beans with a basket. Will they be “just right”? Probably not. But they’ll be finer than they were when you started. Nostalgia, on the other hand, will not only not grind your beans; it’ll actually make it impossible for you to ever grind your beans right again. You’ll always think back to cups of coffee from the past, remembering how perfect they tasted, and so your current cup will never see adequate.
Advantage:
3. Tongs vs. A Man-Made Lake in terms of Making Your Emotions
Taking a dip in the man-made lake will wash away the tears, but if you do it too much, people will start to realize something’s wrong. “Why is he always in that lake?” you friends’ll wonder. “Is he keeping something from us?” Tongs are far more portable. You can take them anywhere, so you’re never mysteriously absent. And when you have them, you don’t need to touch anything or anyone directly, which is important, as the slightest quiver in your hand can reveal your deepest, darkest thoughts.
Advantage:
Last week, user Turken straight-up schooled me on why a hand-buzzer is best for a buffet, thus earning himself the Rebuttal of the Week. Here, take a look:
When preparing to eat at a buffet, the true measure of preparedness is not the state of your stomach, but rather where you stand in line. After all, first in line gets the choicest pick of all the dishes. And if the buffet in question is a pot-luck dinner (vs. overpriced-all-you-can-eat-extravaganza) position in line is of the absolute importance!
Deep breathing is only useful in gaining a line advantage if those breaths are foul enough to push the competition out of the way. However, since you’ve yet to actually eat from the buffet, chances are it won’t be all that foul yet.
On the other hand (ha!), a buzzer is the perfect tool for gaining your positional advantage. With a buzzer you can walk up to whomever is at the front of the line, feign a friendly greeting, and then after shocking them slip in front to grab a plate before they recover and realize what you just did.
Advantage: hand buzzer.
Now, you get the chance to follow in Turken’s footsteps. So go ahead – post your rebuttal to the comments thread and you could be here next week!
Photos:“Tea” by flickr user, LoopZilla; “Baskets” by flickr user, Michael Hodge; “Tongs” by flickr user, Incase.. All used under a Creative Commons License.
Music Monday: Pop Instrumentals
Lyrics can be profound, but they can also be ridiculous. A good beat with terrible poetry leaves everyone feeling cheated. That’s why, every now and then, an artist or band just has to let the music do the talking. Today Scott’s taking note of the that with his little list of instrumentals. Have you guessed the first one yet?
Yes, it’s the theme to Top Gear, but it’s also Dickie Betts’s tribute to his then-baby daughter. The love really pours out of every note, and maybe that’s why this instrumental became a Southern Rock classic the very day it was released. Is it possible to hate this song? I think not.
After the jump you’ll find four other music-only hits from the past. When you’re done reading, why not throw down a choice of your own in the comments? We’ll see you inside…
If you’re thinking early pop hits this probably comes to mind, even if you’ve only ever heard a silly cover. Of interest is that In The Mood was the smash seller of 1940, but back then the music industry still thought sheet music was the way to go. Naturally all those swingin’ cats at the dancehall didn’t care about buying sheet music, so In the Mood was never officially considered a chart topper. Way to keep it real, RIAA! Missin’ the point for over seventy years straight!
The Edgar Winter Group – Frankenstein
How many instrumentals allow everyone in the car to sing along? Bah bah bah baah, bah bahbah baaaah! Not only that, how many other rock albinos can you think of? Not only THAT, but did you know this song marks one of the very first times a keyboard became a mobile instrument? And even if we overlook every word above… it’s still pretty rockin’.
Meco – The Theme From “Star Wars”
No, go on, laugh. Meco deserves your scorn. This was even cheesy for a little kid in the 70s. But like all things Star Wars, it did really well, and it’s a fine example of the disco instrumental at its… can you really call this best? Just like A Fifth Of Beethoven, it leaves you understanding where all the anger in punk music came from. It’s very of its time.
By 1999 things had changed, and “hit” didn’t really mean what it had previously. However this instrumental is still played at sporting events and even if you don’t know it’s name, you probably know it when you hear it. What better definition of a hit could there be? For a bunch of beeps and growls, it sure is catchy.
You’ve got a favorite instrumental pop hit, we know you do. Why not post it in the comments below? And after that, stop by our Turntable.fm room to spin the morning away with your fellow wooters. Additionally, images taken from the corresponding Wikipedia pages are here under fair use.
Woot Writers’ Strike: Report from the Picket Line
We’re now in hour 11 of the Woot writers’ strike, and our resolve shows no signs of breaking. It helps that we’ve been asleep for at least nine of those hours. Among the powerful organizations who’ve joined the cause in solidarity with our struggle include:
- Urban Beekeepers Against Women’s Suffrage
- The Aryan Homeopathy Front
- Babywearers United for a Sane Fluoridation Policy
- The Mumia Abu-Jamal Foundation for Open-Source Vaccines
- Radical Faeries Against the Gold-Fringed Flag
But as we roll this snowball of solidarity into an unstoppable snowman of social justice, we realize the need to illuminate the brutal conditions Woot management has recently imposed on its heroic, selfless, talented, irresistibly sexy writing team. WARNING: the following paragraphs contain graphic descriptions of workplace discomfort.
The beer taps in the men’s room have been removed. Management expects us to meet all of our beer needs with the taps in the writers’ office. This means the lines at those taps have grown to as many as three deep. They say it’s a cost-cutting measure – but writers who are standing in line for beer aren’t producing copy.
We are no longer allowed to run torrents from our office computers. Some of us have been reduced to actually paying money out of our own pockets to watch movies. Others still haven’t even seen Real Steel. Strike action is an extreme measure, but we could not stand idly by and watch our share ratios suffer.
Our Xbox team-building time has been reduced to two hours a day: In the wake of the recent release of Cabela’s Big Game Hunter 2012, this ruthless crackdown could not come at a worse time for morale. If I don’t know if I can trust my co-workers to shoot a virtual leopard, how can I possibly trust them to write a good joke about a paper shredder or gaming mouse?
I could go on, but that would require more writing, which kind of goes against the whole point of this strike. The key takeaway here is, if we’re not laughing, nobody’s laughing. And we’re confident this strike has proven that truth.
Another truth we’ve seen forged in the furnace of struggle: if you’re going to picket your workplace, do it on Sunday. We haven’t had to chase away a single strikebreaker or delivery truck. We thought we had one a little while ago, but it was just some dude who needed to turn around. Suffice to say, that scab had to find himself another driveway.
The Woot Writers’ Strike Committee
Denon 5.1 Channel A/V Receiver – $149.99Denon 5.1 Channel A/V Receiver
Adventures In Audio
You guys, turn off your smartphones and portable media players for a second. This is totally going to blow your minds.
So you know how we were messing with my Denon 5.1 Channel A/V Receiver the other day and trying to decide which high-definition device we were going to enjoy? Okay, sure, that’s like every day, but just listen to me for a second. This was the time you dudes kept pressing the four Quick Select buttons and saying stuff like “I wanna play video games and get lost in some Dolby TrueHD or DTS-HD Master Audio sound” and “But I wanna enjoy the sweet, sweet 3D video signals the Blu-ray player transmits to the receiver via HDMI.” Yeah, I know we do that all the time, too, but this time one of you accidentally hit the Source button.
Yeah, dudes, THAT day. The Day of The Static. Totally freaked us out so bad we had to unplug the receiver and Tom had to change his shorts, remember? Well, I did a little research and it turns out that wasn’t just some glitch. In fact, it’s an actual feature, just like the front-side stereo mini jack for portable media players.
It’s called the “Tuner.” TOO-NER. Yeah, and what it does is pretty crazy. Do you guys remember radio at all? Right, that was the thing that was kind of like Shuffle mode on your iPod, but with ads and some sad sack trying to sound hip and relevant every 15 minutes. Turns out it still exists! And the “Tuner” function lets you “tune in” to those old broadcasting dinosaurs whenever you want! In fact, I looked in the box the receiver came in and there’s totally a FM Indoor Antenna AND an AM Loop Antenna, too! It was traveling back in time, seriously.
Anyway, I went ahead and found some “stations” to listen to tonight. Check this out. Hear that? That’s right, Paul, it’s a real live deejay! I couldn’t believe that was something people still aspired to be either. If you listen closely, you can almost hear the regret he feels over his career choice.
Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty
Warranty: 2 Year Denon
Condition: New
Features:
- With four (4) HDMI inputs, the AVR-1312 allows you to route multiple high-definition devices like game consoles and Blu-ray players to your TV. It also allows you to connect all of your devices to your TV with a single HDMI cable, reducing cable clutter.
- With the advent of 3D media, it is important to own a receiver that recognizes 3D video signals. The AVR-1312 is able to pass through 3D signals from your Blu-ray player, ensuring that the 3D effect doesn’t get lost in translation. It also recognizes signals from 3D television broadcasts
- Supports Deep Color and x.v.Color content, which can display a larger color range than standard-definition schemes. The result is a more lifelike, vibrant picture
- Supports processing for high resolution audio formats including Dolby TrueHD and DTS-HD Master Audio and vibration resistant construction to ensure quality audio reproduction
- Front-side stereo mini jack supports audio playback from any portable audio player. Can also be used with the Denon Networked Control Dock (not included) for network streaming or docking your iPod/iPhone. A compressed audio restorer guarantees that standard MP3 playback is crisp and clear
- Intuitive button layout is designed for ease of use. The front panel is smartly organized, featuring clearly labeled buttons and onboard controls for volume and source. In addition, its on-screen display provides quick information about your system’s settings
- Simple remote control is easy to use, giving you more flexibility in controlling your home theater
Additional Photos:
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Specifications:
| Amplifier: | |
| Power Output: | Front L/R: 75W + 75W (8 Ω, 20Hz – 20kHz, THD 0.08%) 110W + 110W (6 Ω, 1kHz, THD 0.7%) Center: Surround L/R: |
| Input Sensitivity: | 200 mV / 47k Ω |
| Frequency Response: | 10Hz ~ 100kHz – +1, -3 dB (DIRECT mode) |
| Signal to Noise Ratio: | 98 dB (IHF-A weighted, DIRECT mode) |
| Channels: | 5.1 |
| Connectors: | |
| Inputs: | (4) HDMI 1.4a (1) S-Video (3) Composite Video (4) Analog Audio (1 front) (1) Stereo Mini Input (for portable) (1) Digital Optical Audio (1) Digital Coaxial Audio |
| Outputs: | (1) HDMI 1.4a Monitor (1) Composite Video Monitor (2) Audio Preout (surround back L/R, SW) (1) Phones |
| Other Ports: | (1) iPod Dock Control Port (Dock ASD-11R – not included) (1) FM Tuner Antenna (1) AM Tuner Antenna |
| Audio Processing: | |
| Dolby Digital: | Yes |
| Dolby Digital EX: | Yes |
| Dolby TrueHD: | Yes |
| Dolby Pro-Logic II: | Yes |
| DTS: | Yes |
| DTS ES: | Yes (Discrete, Matrix 6.1) |
| DTS Neo:6: | Yes |
| DTS 96/24: | Yes |
| DTS-HD Master Audio: | Yes |
| DTS-HD HR Audio: | Yes |
| Convenience: | |
| AM/FM Tuner: | FM Tuning Frequency Range: 87.5 – 107.9MHz AM Tuning Frequency Range: 520 – 1710kHz |
| Usable Sensitivity: | 1.2 μV (12.8 dBf) |
| Remote: | Yes |
| General: | |
| Power Requirements: | 120V AC 60Hz |
| Power Consumption: | 330W; Standby: 0.5W |
| Dimensions: | 17.1″(W) x 6.4″(H) x 15″(D) |
| Weight: | 19.2 lbs |
In the box:
- Denon AVR-1312 5.1-CH A/V Receiver
- Remote Control
- (2) AA Batteries
- AM Loop Antenna
- FM Indoor Antenna
- Quick Setup Guide
- CD-ROM (Owner’s Manual)
Price: $149.99
March Angriness: CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Here we have it folks, your 2012 March Angriness championship match-up! Scientology, the lone #1 seed in the Final Four, couldn’t manage to intimidate its way any further, nor could the inconsiderate coffee shop parents who represented the Etiquette region. So it’s come down to a #3 seed against a #5 seed, the internet service provider you can’t trust versus the person who can’t trust you. Which one will be crowned king of the enraging? That’s up to YOU to decide!
Before you vote, just a few quick things to keep in mind:
- Remember, you don’t want to vote for your favorite option; you want to vote for whatever makes you angrier.
- BE SURE TO CLICK SUBMIT WHEN IT’S ALL FILLED OUT. IF YOU DON’T, YOUR VOTES WON’T COUNT!
Happy choosing!
Voting will close Sunday, April 1st at 11:59pm! We will announce the winner on Monday, April 2nd!
Photo by flickr user, paddynapper used under a Creative Commons License.
Sean University: Feather in your Capital
If you’ve got a really good friend or relative named Richard who drives a car that he calls “the business” and has a tendency to run into things with it – houses, trees, pedestrians, etc. – then you’re probably pretty used to the phrase, “Your Business struck it, Rich!” Well, we here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership are working so that you can hear that phrase in a different context, a context that doesn’t give you whiplash, a context in which “Your Business” means your business and not a car and “rich” means tons of money and not just some guy.
After all, we’re the only school to “Garun-T Owr Studints’ Suc-sez!” Sure, you can talk all you want about how the purposeful misspelling of every word “frees us from liability” but the point is it’s not a promise that any other school makes.
But don’t get too excited. Being rich isn’t all about just hanging out in hot tubs filled with cash, drinking money-ritas, and eating diamonds for dinner. That’s, like, 86% of it. The rest is using your money wisely to make even more money, and the only way to use money is to buy stuff with it. So here are some wise money-generating things you should buy when your business finally starts raking in the big bucks:
Couches the size of whole rooms: Imagine this: you’re giving a potential investor a tour of your office. He’s already impressed by the time you come to the last stop. “And in here is the couch room,” you say. “A room with many couches? How nice for your staff,” says VIP. “No, sir,” you say, “It’s a room… that is a couch.” His mind blown, he immediately writes you a giant check! (CLARIFICATION: amount of money should be giant; check will probably be normal-sized.)
Desk phones that look like snacks: As the head of a business, there are only two ways to get your employees to pay you money: 1) be a really good hypnotist, or 2) vending machines. Let’s focus on the vending machine part. It’s not just enough to have a vending machine; you’ve also gotta make your employees hungry enough to buy from it. And what could make them hungrier than having to put snack-shaped phones up to their mouth whenever they get a call?
Clouds above airports: Go to a meteorology store and buy some clouds. Make sure they’re above airports. Then, when a plane takes off through one of your clouds, you can sue the airline for property damage!
Fake factories: In terms of factories, real ones are way more popular than fake ones. But fake ones can help you make money! Here’s how: build a cheap building that looks like a factory. That way, your competitors will think, “Hey, we better open some factories too.” So they spend a lot of money on real factories and put themselves in debt. Then go out of business and you get their customers. When they do, you throw a party inside the fake factory and say that it was a “party factory” all along. Then no one can claim you lied!
Those are your best bets, but at Sean University, we “Incurij Studint Partici-pay-Sean.” Don’t read that again. There are no subliminal messages there. Just post a comment below about what you would buy if your company struck it rich!